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CULTIVATE EMPATHY: Building Bridges of Understanding and Healing (Part 2)

Writer's picture: Lana JelenjevLana Jelenjev

Updated: Jan 7


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This is part 2 of our series on Empathy. Part 1 is on EMPATHY: The Healing Bridge Between Us.


"Empathy has the power to heal the divides that separate us, creating a bridge where none seemed possible." – bell hooks

Empathy is a profound gift, one that we offer not only to others but also to ourselves. It is the foundation of meaningful relationships, fostering trust and understanding, and helping us navigate the complexities of human emotions. However, like any skill, empathy requires intentionality and practice to truly flourish.

In this article, we’ll explore delve into the reasons why we might resist practicing empathy—from personal discomfort to trauma—, how trauma shapes empathy, and introduce the Personal Iceberg Model by Virginia Satir, including her coping stances, as a tool to deepen our empathetic practice.


Reflection: What Holds Us Back From Practicing Empathy?

Before diving into practices, it’s essential to acknowledge the barriers that can make empathy feel challenging. Reflect on the following questions:

  • Have you ever felt resistance to offering empathy? What emotions or thoughts arose in those moments?

  • Can you think of a time when someone’s vulnerability felt overwhelming? How did you respond?

  • How might past experiences, including trauma, shape your ability to give or receive empathy?


Resistance to empathy can arise for many reasons. Perhaps we fear being overwhelmed by another’s emotions, or maybe we feel disconnected from our own feelings, making it hard to connect with others. For some, trauma creates protective barriers—ways to shield ourselves from vulnerability that, while once necessary, can now hinder connection. We might also fall into patterns that subtly resist empathy, such as focusing on fixing problems instead of acknowledging emotions, avoiding deep conversations for fear of our own discomfort, or even dismissing others’ feelings as overly dramatic or unimportant.


Another common pattern of resistance is defensiveness. When someone shares their vulnerability or pain, we might shift the focus to ourselves, perhaps by explaining why we’re not at fault or why their feelings are misplaced. This reaction often stems from an unconscious desire to protect our own emotional equilibrium. Similarly, we might avoid situations that require empathy altogether, sidestepping uncomfortable interactions to preserve our sense of control.


For those of us carrying unresolved pain or trauma, our resistance may come in the form of emotional numbness or hypervigilance. Numbness can make it hard to access the emotional resonance empathy requires, while hypervigilance can leave us so focused on potential threats that we struggle to truly hear or connect with another’s experience. These patterns, though protective in their intent, can create emotional distance that isolates us from others and even from ourselves.


By identifying these barriers and patterns, we create space to approach empathy with compassion for ourselves and others.


Reflection Questions to Explore Resistance to Empathy

  • When you reflect on moments of resistance, what patterns or habits stand out? How do these patterns affect your ability to connect with others?

  • What emotions arise when you think about offering or receiving empathy? How might these emotions be linked to past experiences?

The Neuroscience of Trauma and Empathy

Trauma impacts the brain in profound ways, particularly in areas associated with empathy and emotional regulation. Key structures include:

  • Amygdala: The brain’s alarm system becomes hyperactive following trauma, heightening sensitivity to perceived threats. This hypervigilance can make it difficult to focus on others’ emotional states, as the brain prioritizes survival over connection.

  • Prefrontal Cortex: Responsible for reasoning, impulse control, and empathy, the prefrontal cortex may become underactive after trauma. This diminished function can impair our ability to process emotions and respond thoughtfully.

  • Hippocampus: This structure helps contextualize experiences and distinguish between past and present. Trauma can impair the hippocampus, causing individuals to relive traumatic memories as if they are happening now. This ongoing distress can overshadow the capacity to engage empathetically with others.


These neural changes demonstrate that trauma is not just an emotional experience but a physiological one, shaping how we perceive and respond to the world.


Trauma’s Influence on Empathy

Trauma affects empathy in complex ways, creating barriers while also presenting opportunities for growth. Here’s how it manifests:

  1. Emotional Numbness

    Trauma can lead to a disconnection from one’s own feelings, making it challenging to access the emotional resonance needed for empathy.

    • What it looks like: Appearing indifferent or unresponsive in emotionally charged situations.

    • What it sounds like: "I don’t know how to feel about this" or "I’m just numb."

    • Effects: Emotional numbness can create distance in relationships, leaving others feeling unsupported or unheard.

  2. Hypervigilance

    Trauma survivors often remain on high alert for potential threats, leaving little capacity to focus on others’ emotions.

    • What it looks like: Overreacting to neutral comments or scanning environments for danger.

    • What it sounds like: "Are you upset with me?" or "I just need to make sure everything’s okay."

    • Effects: Hypervigilance can hinder trust and open communication, as interactions are filtered through a lens of fear.

  3. Fear of Vulnerability

    Trauma can make openness feel risky, leading individuals to protect themselves by avoiding emotional intimacy.

    • What it looks like: Withdrawing from deep conversations or deflecting personal questions.

    • What it sounds like: "I’m fine" or "Let’s not talk about that."

    • Effects: This fear can block authentic connections and the mutual understanding needed for empathy.

  4. Empathy Fatigue

    Constant exposure to others’ pain, especially for those in caregiving roles, can exhaust one’s empathetic reserves.

    • What it looks like: Feeling detached or overwhelmed by others’ emotions.

    • What it sounds like: "I just can’t handle this right now."

    • Effects: Empathy fatigue can lead to burnout, making it harder to engage compassionately.

  5. Cognitive Avoidance

    Trauma can lead to a tendency to avoid emotionally charged situations altogether.

    • What it looks like: Redirecting conversations or avoiding people who might need support.

    • What it sounds like: "I just don’t want to get involved."

    • Effects: Avoidance can create isolation for both the individual and those seeking connection, reinforcing cycles of disconnection.

  6. Overidentification

    In some cases, people may empathize too deeply with others, feeling overwhelmed by their pain.

    • What it looks like: Taking on others’ emotions as if they were one’s own.

    • What it sounds like: "I feel like I’m going through this with you."

    • Effects: Overidentification can blur emotional boundaries and lead to exhaustion or enmeshment.


The Personal Iceberg Model: A Framework for Deepened Understanding


Satir Personal Iceberg Model with behaviours and coping stances above the waterline. Below the waterline are feelings, feelings about feelings, perceptions, yearnings, and the self

Virginia Satir’s Personal Iceberg Model offers a powerful lens through which to understand ourselves and others. This model suggests that our external behaviors and words are merely the tip of the iceberg; beneath the surface lie deeper layers of feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings, and our sense of self.


Additionally, Satir’s work highlights five coping stances that people often adopt under stress, which can obscure their deeper needs.


The Layers of the Iceberg:

  1. Behavior: The visible actions and words we use.

  2. Coping Stances: Our ways of surviving emotional discomfort.

  3. Feelings: The emotions driving those behaviors.

  4. Perceptions: How we interpret and make sense of the world.

  5. Expectations: The unspoken rules and assumptions we hold.

  6. Yearnings: Our deep, often unarticulated needs and desires.

  7. Self: The core of who we are.


Diving Deeper Into the Iceberg

When we look at someone’s behavior—whether it’s kindness, anger, or withdrawal—we often make assumptions about their intentions. The Iceberg Model invites us to pause and consider what might lie beneath. For example:

  • A colleague snapping at you in a meeting might seem rude on the surface. But beneath their behavior, they might be feeling overwhelmed (feelings), interpreting your feedback as criticism (perceptions), and yearning for validation (yearnings).

  • A friend who cancels plans repeatedly might appear disinterested. But their behavior could stem from feelings of exhaustion, a perception that they’ll be judged for being vulnerable, or an unspoken yearning for rest and solitude.


By exploring these layers, we move away from judgment and toward curiosity. We begin to see the humanity beneath actions that might otherwise frustrate or confuse us.


The Coping Stances

Under stress or conflict, people often adopt one of five coping stances, which can obscure their true feelings and needs. These stances are ways of surviving emotional discomfort but may block empathy and connection:


  1. Placating: Seeking to please others at the expense of one’s own needs.

    • What it looks like: Apologizing excessively, avoiding confrontation.

    • What it sounds like: "I’ll do whatever you want. It’s my fault."

    • Deeper layer: A yearning to feel safe and valued.

  2. Blaming: Projecting frustration outward to regain a sense of control.

    • What it looks like: Pointing fingers, raising one’s voice.

    • What it sounds like: "This is all your fault!"

    • Deeper layer: A yearning to feel powerful and respected.

  3. Super-Reasonable: Over-relying on logic and detachment to avoid emotional vulnerability.

    • What it looks like: Speaking in a monotone, focusing solely on facts.

    • What it sounds like: "Let’s stick to the issue. Emotions aren’t helpful here."

    • Deeper layer: A yearning to feel competent and secure.

  4. Irrelevant: Distracting or deflecting to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

    • What it looks like: Making jokes, changing the subject.

    • What it sounds like: "Let’s talk about something more fun."

    • Deeper layer: A yearning to avoid pain and maintain lightheartedness.

  5. Congruent: Aligning words, emotions, and behaviors authentically.

    • What it looks like: Honest communication, balanced expression of feelings.

    • What it sounds like: "I feel hurt because I value our connection."

    • Deeper layer: A yearning for mutual understanding and respect.


By recognizing these coping stances in ourselves and others, we can move toward more authentic and empathetic interactions.


Using the Iceberg Model for Self-Empathy

The Iceberg Model is not just a tool for understanding others; it’s also a pathway to greater self-awareness. When you feel triggered or overwhelmed that it makes it difficult for you to be in a space of empathy, take a moment to reflect:


  • What behaviors am I displaying? Am I snapping, withdrawing, or overcompensating?

  • What are my coping stances? What do my coping stances reveal about me?

  • What feelings are driving these behaviors? Am I scared, sad, or frustrated?

  • What perceptions are shaping my experience? Am I assuming the worst about myself or others?

  • What are my expectations (towards one's self, of others, from others, and/or what others think I have of them)? Am I holding myself to impossible standards?

  • What are my yearnings? What do I deeply need right now—connection, understanding, rest?


This self-reflection creates a foundation of empathy within, making it easier to extend that empathy outward.


  • What behaviors is the person displaying? 

  • What are the coping stances?

  • What feelings. might be driving these behaviors? (set of assumptions that you can verify in the conversation)

  • What perceptions are shaping this experience? (a question that might help the other person to understand their thoughts, judgments, and expectations)

  • What are the person's expectations?

  • What are the other person's yearnings? What do the person deeply need right now—connection, understanding, support?


Integration and Reflection: Bringing Empathy Into Practice

As you reflect on the insights from this piece, consider how they resonate with your own experiences and relationships. Take time to explore these questions as you integrate this new awareness into your daily life:

  1. Recognizing Patterns:

    • When have you noticed yourself using a coping stance during moments of stress? How did it impact your ability to connect with others?

    • How might understanding these stances help you approach others with greater empathy?

  2. Deepening Self-Awareness:

    • What did you learn about your own iceberg through this article? Were there any layers that surprised you?

    • How can acknowledging your own feelings and yearnings create space for self-compassion?

  3. Enhancing Connection:

    • How can you apply the Iceberg Model to navigate challenging conversations with more curiosity and understanding?

    • In what ways might you approach someone differently now that you’ve explored how trauma shapes empathy?

  4. Embracing Growth:

    • What small steps can you take to practice congruence in your interactions this week?

    • How might you extend empathy to someone in your life who is struggling with their own iceberg layers?


Empathy is a lifelong practice, a journey of continually learning, reflecting, and showing up for ourselves and others. By engaging with these reflections, you deepen not only your understanding but also your capacity to create meaningful, healing connections.


 

Want to learn more about the Personal Iceberg Model?


Why not try taking this self-paced exploration on NAVIGATING THE DEPTHS OF THE SELF: The Power of the Satir Iceberg Model or use these NAVIGATING THE DEPTHS: 40 Reflection Cards for Understanding Your Inner Iceberg to deepen your understanding and awareness of your inner iceberg.


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