
Empathy is the thread that weaves the tapestry of our "kapwa" (our shared humanity). It allows us to feel seen, heard, and valued, while fostering a sense of connection that transcends differences. At its core, empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. But it is much more than a moment of recognition—it is a relational practice that deepens our connection to ourselves and others.
In a world that often feels divided and chaotic, empathy has the power to heal wounds, rebuild trust, and create spaces where we can truly belong. Let us explore what empathy is, the ways it nurtures connection, the barriers that can block its flow, and simple practices to cultivate empathy in our lives.
Before we dive in, let’s take a moment to reflect:
Can you recall a time when you truly felt seen and understood by someone? What was it about their actions or words that made you feel this way?
Now think of a time when you didn’t feel empathy in a moment when you really needed it. What was missing, and how did it make you feel?
These reflections can help us ground our understanding of empathy as we explore its power to heal, the blockers that hinder it, and ways to nurture it in our lives.
What Is Empathy?
Empathy is often described as "walking in someone else’s shoes," but it goes beyond simply imagining what someone else is feeling. It involves truly listening, being present, and offering understanding without judgment. Empathy requires us to tune into our shared emotional and human experiences—to connect not just with another’s story, but with their underlying needs and emotions.
Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers defined empathy as the capacity to perceive the internal frame of reference of another with accuracy and with the emotional components and meanings that accompany it. In doing so, we offer others the gift of being understood, which in turn fosters trust, healing, and connection.
The Importance of Empathy in Connecting With Ourselves and Others
Empathy serves as a bridge, linking us to our inner world and to those around us. By practicing empathy, we not only enhance our relationships with others but also deepen our self-awareness and self-compassion.
Empathy for Self
Before we can extend empathy to others, we must learn to be empathetic toward ourselves. Self-empathy involves:
Recognizing and validating our own feelings.
Being gentle with ourselves when we struggle or fall short.
Understanding our needs and treating them with care.
When we offer ourselves empathy, we create a foundation for emotional resilience and inner harmony. It becomes easier to approach others with openness and understanding when we are not burdened by self-criticism or neglect of our own emotional needs.
Empathy for Others
Empathy is the foundation of meaningful relationships. It enables us to:
Build trust and mutual understanding.
Resolve conflicts with compassion and clarity.
Support others through challenges without falling into the trap of offering unsolicited advice or fixing their problems.
Empathy also enriches our communities by creating spaces where individuals feel valued and supported. In such environments, collaboration flourishes, and people are empowered to bring their authentic selves forward.
Empathy Blockers: What Gets in the Way?
Despite its transformative power, empathy is not always easy to access. Certain habits and mindsets can act as empathy blockers, limiting our ability to connect. These blockers can be categorized into four main types: domination, manipulation, disempowerment, and denial. Below are detailed descriptions of each empathy blocker, along with examples of what they look and sound like, and their effects.
Domination: Blocking Empathy Through Power and Control
Criticizing
Description: Passing harsh judgment on someone’s behavior or choices without seeking to understand their perspective.
What it looks like: Pointing fingers, rolling eyes, or shaking your head in disapproval.
What it sounds like: "You always mess things up. Why can’t you just do it right?"
Effects: Shuts down dialogue, creates fear, and erodes trust.
Threatening
Description: Using fear to coerce someone into compliance or action.
What it looks like: Standing over someone aggressively or speaking in a menacing tone.
What it sounds like: "If you don’t do this, you’ll regret it."
Effects: Undermines trust, fosters resentment, and inhibits open communication.
Ordering
Description: Issuing commands without considering the other person’s feelings or needs.
What it looks like: Wagging a finger or using a sharp, directive tone.
What it sounds like: "Stop crying and just get over it."
Effects: Dismisses emotions, stifles expression, and creates emotional distance.
Manipulation: Blocking Empathy Through Control of Perception
Advising
Description: Offering solutions without fully understanding the problem.
What it looks like: Interrupting someone mid-sentence to provide a fix.
What it sounds like: "Here’s what you need to do to fix this."
Effects: Makes the speaker feel unheard and invalidated.
Interpreting
Description: Assuming you know someone’s motives or intentions.
What it looks like: Nodding knowingly or interrupting with conclusions.
What it sounds like: "You’re only upset because you didn’t get your way."
Effects: Distorts the other person’s experience and dismisses their feelings.
Diagnosing
Description: Labeling someone’s emotions or behaviors as problematic.
What it looks like: Pointing out perceived flaws or issues in a clinical manner.
What it sounds like: "You’re acting this way because you’re insecure."
Effects: Feels patronizing and invalidates the speaker’s lived reality.
Disempowerment: Blocking Empathy by Undermining Autonomy
Reassuring
Description: Offering false comfort or dismissing emotions with platitudes.
What it looks like: Patting someone on the back or quickly changing the subject.
What it sounds like: "Don’t worry, everything will be fine."
Effects: Feels dismissive, discourages vulnerability, and prevents deeper connection.
Shifting Focus
Description: Turning the conversation toward oneself instead of staying present.
What it looks like: Interrupting to share a personal story or changing the topic.
What it sounds like: "That reminds me of my own experience..."
Effects: Takes attention away from the person in need and undermines their experience.
Topping/One-upping
Description: Highlighting one’s own struggles as more significant.
What it looks like: Comparing hardships or brushing off the other person’s concerns.
What it sounds like: "You think that’s bad? Let me tell you what happened to me."
Effects: Minimizes the other person’s experience and invalidates their feelings.
Denial: Blocking Empathy by Dismissing or Avoiding Feelings
Denying
Description: Rejecting the validity of someone’s emotions.
What it looks like: Shaking your head or dismissing someone’s words outright.
What it sounds like: "You shouldn’t feel that way."
Effects: Invalidates feelings and discourages emotional expression.
Distracting
Description: Avoiding difficult conversations by changing the subject or using humor.
What it looks like: Smiling uncomfortably or steering the conversation elsewhere.
What it sounds like: "Let’s not dwell on this—how about some jokes?"
Effects: Avoids addressing core emotional needs and creates distance.
Defending
Description: Justifying one’s actions instead of listening to the other person.
What it looks like: Crossing arms or speaking in a defensive tone.
What it sounds like: "Well, I didn’t mean it that way, so you shouldn’t feel upset."
Effects: Creates barriers to understanding and prevents conflict resolution.
Judging
Description: Placing moral or personal value on someone’s feelings.
What it looks like: Frowning or speaking in a condescending manner.
What it sounds like: "You’re wrong to feel that way."
Effects: Induces shame and halts open dialogue.
Arguing
Description: Debating or invalidating someone’s emotional experience.
What it looks like: Shaking your head or interrupting repeatedly.
What it sounds like: "That’s not how it happened."
Effects: Dismisses the speaker’s reality and shuts down connection.
Minimizing
Description: Downplaying or trivializing someone’s emotions.
What it looks like: Smiling dismissively or shrugging off concerns.
What it sounds like: "It’s not that big of a deal."
Effects: Discourages further sharing and erodes trust.
By recognizing these empathy blockers, we can begin to replace them with active listening, understanding, and compassion, fostering deeper and more meaningful connections.
Why We Fall Into Empathy Blockers
Empathy blockers often arise from situational or emotional challenges:
Stress and Fatigue: When we are tired, hungry, or overwhelmed, our capacity for empathy diminishes.
Emotional Triggers: Personal anger, frustration, or unresolved emotions can block our ability to connect.
Inattention: Multitasking or habitual behaviors lead to a lack of presence in conversations.
Cultural Conditioning: Societal norms that stigmatize vulnerability or prioritize efficiency over connection discourage empathy.
Time Pressure: Being in a hurry often leads us to focus on solutions rather than emotional understanding.
Recognizing these patterns helps us address the underlying causes and create space for empathetic engagement.
Reflection: Building Awareness Around Empathy Blockers
Now that you’ve explored empathy blockers, take a moment to reflect on your own experiences:
Can you identify a time when you unintentionally acted as an empathy blocker? What triggered this response, and what could you have done differently?
Think of a moment when someone blocked empathy toward you. How did it make you feel, and what might you have needed in that moment instead?
What steps can you take to recognize and address empathy blockers in your relationships moving forward?
These reflections can help you become more mindful of your interactions and deepen your practice of empathy.
The Ripple Effect of Empathy
Empathy is not just a gift we give to others; it is a practice that transforms us and the world around us. By choosing empathy, we create ripples of connection, healing, and understanding that extend far beyond the immediate moment.
As we navigate the complexities of our lives, let us remember that empathy is both a bridge and a balm—a bridge that connects us across divides and a balm that soothes the wounds of isolation and misunderstanding. In choosing empathy, we choose to honor our shared humanity, one connection at a time.
Stay tuned for Part 2 on Cultivate Empathy: Building Bridges of Understanding and Healing
JOIN US!
13 feb 2025, 17:00 – 18:30 CET, Zoom
A 90-minute online sanctuary designed to celebrate and deepen the way you cherish one another. Through thoughtful reflections, guided exercises, and engaging discussion, we will explore what it means to cherish and be cherished, how early experiences shape us, and how small acts nurturing your love together can ripple out into the world and make the world a better place. Join us for a playful and heartfelt evening of connection and celebration.
About the Facilitator
Traci Ruble is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker dedicated to helping people create meaningful, authentic connections in their relationships. With over 20 years of experience, Traci has worked with couples, individuals, and communities to foster emotional resilience, relational health, and heartfelt communication. She is the founder of Sidewalk Talk, a global listening movement, and is known for her warm, playful, and down-to-earth approach to facilitating growth. Learn more about Traci at www.traciruble.com.
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