
Do you recall a moment when stress tunneled your vision, leaving you feeling trapped in a cycle of fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flop?
These instinctual responses—a rush of adrenaline, a pounding heart, the urge to confront or escape—are familiar to most of us. They’re part of our biology, deeply embedded in how we navigate danger and uncertainty.
But what if there was another way?
What if, instead of running or resisting, we could turn toward connection, toward care?
Science tells us we can. It’s called the "tend and befriend" response—a biological impulse to nurture, protect, and seek solace in the warmth of community. This alternative stress response, etched into our very being, is a profound reminder that we are wired for connection.
Beyond Fight or Flight
The "tend and befriend" theory, introduced by psychologist Dr. Shelley E. Taylor, expands the traditional fight-or-flight narrative. It highlights how humans, particularly women, often respond to stress by caring for others and fostering social bonds. These behaviors—far from being random—are biologically driven, rooted in the hormone oxytocin.
Dubbed the "bonding hormone," oxytocin promotes feelings of trust and connection, counteracting cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes perfect sense. Imagine a mother in a threatening environment. Fleeing might leave her children vulnerable, while fighting could increase the danger. Instead, tending to her young and seeking allies ensures safety and continuity. These responses foster collective resilience, underscoring that survival is often a shared endeavor.
The Role of Oxytocin
At the core of the tend and befriend response lies oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone." While its role in childbirth and breastfeeding is well-known, its impact extends far beyond reproduction. During stress, oxytocin levels rise, encouraging behaviors like nurturing, comforting, and seeking social support. This hormonal response dampens the effects of cortisol, creating a physiological buffer against chronic stress.
In women, the interaction between estrogen and oxytocin amplifies these effects, which may explain why women often exhibit stronger tend-and-befriend tendencies. However, this response is not exclusive to women. Men, too, engage in nurturing and bonding behaviors, though the contexts may differ.
The Research Behind the Practice
Scientific studies consistently validate the impact of relational approaches to stress and healing:
Oxytocin’s Role in Stress Reduction: Research published in Psychoneuroendocrinology highlights how higher oxytocin levels correlate with increased trust and reduced anxiety, emphasizing its role in fostering social bonds during stress.
Social Support and Longevity: Findings from Harvard’s Study of Adult Development reveal that individuals with strong social connections not only report higher happiness levels but also live longer, healthier lives.
Group Therapy Effectiveness: A meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin shows that group therapy is as effective as individual therapy for many mental health conditions, underscoring the power of collective healing.
Flocking and Collective Resilience
The "tend and befriend" response extends beyond individuals; it is deeply relational and communal. Nature offers countless examples of this in action. Birds gather in mesmerizing murmuration patterns to evade predators. Fish swim in schools for protection. Elephants form tight-knit herds to nurture their young and defend against threats. These behaviors reflect an essential truth: survival is often a collective endeavor.
With us humans, tending and befriending create similar dynamics. In times of crisis, we instinctively "flock"/gather to share resources, offer emotional support, or solve problems collaboratively. This collective response strengthens resilience, ensuring no one is left to face challenges alone. In a world increasingly marked by isolation and individualism, these behaviors remind us of the power of interdependence.
For humans, flocking offers similar benefits:
Safety in Community: Groups provide a buffer against external threats. In times of collective trauma—such as natural disasters or pandemics—people who gather in supportive communities report lower levels of stress and faster recovery.
Emotional Regulation: Being in a group allows for co-regulation, where individuals attune to one another’s nervous systems. This is why group therapy and peer support models are so effective in trauma recovery.
Collective Problem-Solving: Just as birds forage more efficiently in flocks, humans solve problems better when collaborating. Research on collective intelligence shows that diverse groups consistently outperform individuals in finding creative solutions.
Flocking Through Collective Care
Around the world, cultural practices embody the tend and befriend response in diverse and inspiring ways:
Culture of Generosity
Harambee (Kenya)
In Kenya, the tradition of harambee ("all pull together") reflects a profound commitment to communal care. Whether raising funds for education, healthcare, or disaster recovery, harambee gatherings demonstrate how generosity and unity create resilience.
Potlatch Ceremonies (Pacific Northwest Indigenous Peoples)
Among Indigenous communities in the Pacific Northwest, potlatches celebrate milestones through storytelling, feasting, and resource-sharing. Rooted in the belief that true wealth lies in generosity, these ceremonies affirm the power of collective care.
Bayanihan (Philippines)
The Filipino tradition of bayanihan exemplifies communal unity. Historically seen in the act of neighbors helping a family move their home, it now extends to collective efforts in disaster relief, fundraising, and community projects.
Culture of Mutual Aid: Rotating Savings and Credit Associations (ROSCAs)
A rotating savings and credit association (ROSCA) is a collective of individuals who come together for a specific duration to save and borrow funds collaboratively, blending elements of peer-to-peer banking and lending. These associations foster trust, financial interdependence, and emotional solidarity, supporting individuals while reinforcing communal ties.
India: Chit Fund
These are legally regulated and extensively utilized for both saving and borrowing. Members bid for a lump sum, and the highest bidder receives the amount after deducting a commission, which is shared among the members.
West Africa: Susu
Susu collectors oversee these groups, providing a secure method for individuals to save money and offering small loans to members.
China: Hui
This traditional practice remains popular in rural areas and close-knit communities, functioning as a means of mutual financial support and community connection.
Latin America: Tanda
It is widely adopted by workers and low-income groups to manage cash flow and fulfill financial needs without resorting to high-interest loans.
Egypt: Gameya
It is commonly practiced among women to save for household expenses, education, and various needs. This system is built on trust and mutual assistance.
Pakistan: Committee
These are extensively used for various financial requirements, ranging from household expenditures to significant investments. The system relies on community trust, offering a dependable way to save and access lump sums.
Philippines: Paluwagan
In the Philippines, members regularly contribute a fixed amount of money, and the pooled funds are allocated to one member during each cycle, often for major expenses such as education, business ventures, or emergencies.
A Path Forward
Flocking reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles. The science of “tend and befriend” reveals that our instinct to gather, nurture, and protect is as vital to our survival as any defensive mechanism. It offers more than just a way to comprehend stress; it serves as a guide for resilience and healing. In a fragmented world that often celebrates independence and individualism, leaning into practices of connection is not just a way to heal—it’s a way to thrive. By caring for one another and nurturing connections, we not only endure challenges but also create an environment conducive to collective flourishing.
As we navigate the intricacies of modern life, let us embrace the wisdom inherent in our biology: we are designed for connection. Through the acts of tending and befriending, we discover our path back home—to each other, to ourselves, and to the communities that support us.
Pagmumuni-muni (Deep Reflection)
To weave this understanding into your life, consider these questions as gentle invitations for deeper exploration:
How do you respond to stress? Think of a time when you instinctively sought connection or care. What drew you to that response, and how did it impact the people around you?
Where do you find community? What spaces or groups in your life make you feel seen and supported? How can you nurture these connections further?
What does it mean to flock? Imagine creating spaces in your personal or professional life that encourage collective care and emotional safety. What would these spaces look like?
Take a moment with these reflections—perhaps through journaling, a conversation with a trusted friend, or even quiet contemplation. Let them guide you toward a deeper connection with yourself, your community, and the natural world.
Here is your invitation to flock with us!
Start the year with intention and care. On January 13, join us for a 90-minute Healing Circle dedicated to "Softening into New Beginnings"—an invitation to reflect, recalibrate, and realign with what truly helps you thrive.
What You’ll Experience
Guided Journaling: Tune into your inner voice with prompts that encourage self-awareness and clarity about your needs and intentions.
Small Group Reflection: Share insights in intimate, supportive groups that foster vulnerability, connection, and shared wisdom.
Big Circle Harvest: Rejoin the collective to gather lessons, perspectives, and practices to carry forward into the year.
Why Attend This Circle?
Set Solid Foundations: Reflect on what sustains and supports you in your journey as a changemaker.
Reclaim Space for Reflection: Step away from the pressure to "do more" and embrace the wisdom of stillness.
Realign with Your Purpose: Connect your intentions with actions that align with your vision for thriving.
Build Resilience Together: Share in the collective energy and insights of a supportive community.
This circle is for leaders, changemakers, and anyone seeking to step into the year with intention, clarity, and grace.
Led by Lana Jelenjev, this session blends introspection, empathy, and the power of community to help you find your grounding and align your actions with what allows you to flourish.
Comments